Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Asbo Eats All The Pies


While I seldom have any clear idea of what I am going to write about here, I can usually rely on Asbo to provide some inspiration during our early morning promenade.

*Oh, before I continue, whatever part of the world you are in make sure your breakfast is consumed and well settled. Err… and children turn away….
Right then who is left? Hands up. Hmm the usual suspects*

Asbo runs along snorting and snuffling close to the ground. He is mine sweeping for something that he can make a dogs breakfast out of. No one could call him a fussy eater. Anything that might remotely once have born the spark of life is dragged out for a crunchy snack. I have recently mentioned the deliquescing shellfish of which he is fond. The odour of rotting 'moules chaude au soleil', washed down by green puddle that smells of rotting cabbage is one of his early walk staples. ( Did I say that I wouldn’t mangle the French language again? I lied.)
Another treat that abounds in his al fresco deli at this time of year is the dead baby bird. You know the ones. Crashed to the trottoir…

…hmm French is in for a pounding today it must be the ‘eat anything’culinary theme and boy could I tell you a thing or two about that, I once went on a snail hunt during a thunderstorm in the fields and hedgerows of entre deux mers…Oh lord it happening again… Sally help me its all going Corbett….. Where was I …

Ah yes, the dead baby birds that you find on the pavement at this time of year. The ones with no feathers and big purple eyelids. Looking like some mini pink spam fritter with two black grapes on the end. Probably dumped out of the nest higher up and unseen, during a struggle against natural selection. Well they are quite tasty according to my canine mentor in these matters. The small bones are still soft and the general texture is akin to that mechanically recovered reprocessed ham that sells really cheap in Tesco. And they burst on the tongue. Lovely.
I remember once She Of The Town House was particularly nauseated when he bounded up with the scaly tail, and the back end, of a worse for wear rat dangling out of his front teeth. He grinned at her and crunched away; she took a deep breath of fresh air, and looked for the nearest exits.
For my money the worst is ( if you have eaten recently don’t say I didn’t warn you) the used condoms that you find along marine walk. He doesn’t mind ribbed, fruit, chocolate or plain. As long as they are fu.... Its no good, even I can't go on with this one.
Truly he is a disgusting dog.

This morning then, he surprised me. Yesterday evening someone bought a picnic and wandered out on to the cob to watch the sunset. Somehow they mislaid one of their bags and dropped it behind the chair they used. Inside the bag were two of Edwards the Butchers finest steak pies. I deduce all this from the receipt, which was the only thing that I was quick enough to retrieve. They were inside their sell by date, well wrapped and looked delicious. I am going to have to keep my own eye out more closely. His wild food campaign may have more to recommend it than I thought.

I think I shall let The Boy take him for a walk tonight though. He needs the exercise and there’s a load of cling film and a couple of tin trays due out of the dog soon.

18 comments:

Jayne said...

Lol. Yuk!
I don't know what to say to that. Your dog must have a cast iron stomach. You've put me off Tesco ham though for life though.

Fi said...

I like the condom fetish best :)

Sally Lomax said...

Yeuch!!

Our dog rolls in disgusting stuff when out walking, and seriously resents having to have a bath so that she can come back into the house. How the average dog manages to survive beyond puppyhood with so much going through the system is a mystery.........

sablonneuse said...

And I thought my cats brought in - and up - yukky presents.

buffalodickdy said...

One of my Airdales was about as picky. Once ate a kids' box of crayons- and crapped in Techncolor for 2 days...

pinknest said...

lol! i can't believe your pup can stomach a diet of baby birds, used condoms and steak pies!! it is incredible and vile.

headless chicken said...

Hahaha....mini pink spam fritter with two black grapes on the end!!!
Oh my god...the condoms. I do hope that you don't let Asbo lick your face after these!!!:o

DL said...

Good god! That's hilarious!

Can someone please explain "Corbett"?

meredic said...

jayne – putting you of mechanically recovered ham is not a bad thing. Slightly malodorous baby birds are probably far more wholesome.

fi – Well! I am glad someone likes them, he wont share though….

sally – Asbo is quite good from the point of view of giving himself a wash. He will zoom off into the estuary at the slightest excuse. This can be a problem when the time is out of course as the mud flats are exposed..

sablonneuse – cats are sneaky though (and I hasten to add that I prefer cats myself), turn your back and they will defeather a bird inside the house and then hack up its remains on the sofa. Asbo always saves his for a picnic.

buffalodickdy – ‘crapped in Technicolor for two days’ brilliant. I am tempted to get a box of wax crayons just to reproduce the effect.

pinknest – greetings. You are right of course his tastes are vile. But on the other hand it doesn’t do to ask what goes in to some of those French dishes either.

headless chicken - Gack! Ulp! Eeergh ! Yes thank you for sharing that image.

DL – Thank you. The ‘Corbett’ is a reference to Ronnie Corbett. You probably remember when he would sit on a stage and start a long rambling joke/monologue that would inevitably involve several sidetracks until getting back to the main punchline.
“Did you hear the one about the man who… ah yes that reminds me of something else, before I tell you about him I must just mention….etc etc.”

Thank you all for taking the time to call by.

meredic said...

Doh! Jayne I meant 'off'
Sally I meant 'tide'

I need an editor.

bydingmytyme said...

you're good for my diet. I hope to read about pups eating habits every morning before breakfast.

Sally Lomax said...

But how on earth could I help you from it all going Corbett??! Me of all people!

Lori said...

Wow, that is one hungry dog! Do you not feed him at home? Just kidding!
I really like the name Asbo. It's a great dog name. He must be a challenge to take for a walk. :)

meredic said...

bydingmytime - not keen on steak pies eh?

sally - Ah! Are you a bit of a Corbett as well?

lori - given the chance he will eat his own breakfast and the one belonging to Blind Pugh as well. Actually he is a great walking dog.

me said...

a veritable buffet of delights! utterly hilarious.

used condoms? baby birds?

does he ever snuggle up to you and try and lick your face?

meredic said...

me - good lord no. The bugger seldom cleans his teeth, plus Asbo and I are strictly hetro.

Sarah said...

Dogs in general, and Labradors in particular, have absolutley disgusting eating habits!! I had a black labrador once a few years back and he was a right royal pain in the bottom - always pulling on the lead when I took him out, running away and playing deaf when he was off the lead, always ready to mount a female dog whenever one passed and really agressive with male dogs. To top it all he was a useless guard dog.
However when I look at the photo of Asbo I feel quite sentimental ....

meredic said...

sarah - Asbo is still only about 18 months old. He hasn't really figured out quite what its all about yet. I dare say the stories I tell of him will take a further unsavoury turn when he does...